Ranking: Best Overwatch Characters — to go out on a date
One of the reasons why it´s so difficult to rank Overwatch Heroes is because, well… they are different by design. The game triumphs exactly by making characters who are not only visually unique, but that also have their very own way to play. It means that the Hero who is absolutely “tear 1” and perfect for you, can be useless to someone else. It´s a little bit like matchmaking.
So, I decided to rank the heroes exactly like that. In terms of which ones would the BEST to go out on a date with. Being gay, I had, of course and unfortunately, to not consider the women. And also the omnics because I am not that kinky (yet)…
Without further ado, here we go!
13 ) Genji
You know those headless dating app guys? Or the DL bros? People who you know that might even have a hot body going on somewhere, but they won´t show their faces? That´s a little like Genji. I mean, he has better reasons than all of those guys, since his body was almost fully destroyed and replaced by omnic parts. But then again, no omnics here. Also, I don´t wanna fuck with Mercy, she´s one of my mains.
12 ) Roadhog
Another faceless guy. But this one carries a bottle of something he kips sniffing. Whether it´s poppers or ketamine, we will never know. Also, he forces a low voice to sound “more masc”, which is a NO NO. Add the fact that he doesn´t look very hygienic to all that and it´s a complete mess. He does have a style, tho (including nail polish, tattoos, rings and a man bun…)
11) Reaper
Yes, you got it right, I am putting the faceless guys down on the list. But in Reaper´s case, we can actually see Gabriel Reyes face and BOY WHAT A FACE. Also, big guns, and I am not talking about his pistols. Those thighs are serious business too, and the whole goth style going on is appealing. But attention: both of his abilities involve getting in and out of places without being noticed. It´s a big red flag: this guy was, literally, designed to ghost you… Also, Reaper is the name of a terrible audio editing app. Maybe just a quicky?
10) Junkrat
Don´t give me that look! He might be all twisted and have a thing for arson and explosives, but hey, that Aussie accent, mate! Also, his thing with Roadhog makes me think he is really into “blokes”, even if not corresponded. Also, he´s an anarchist, which means the only asshole he might vote for is your own. The problem here is also hygiene, I am a little freaked by those shorts, but… did you see those abs? Because I did…
9 ) Lucio
He is Brazilian and he is a DJ, which already means he´s gonna put you on VIP lists for the good parties all around. Also, he has the moves: he dances, he skates, he plays soccer… Add the stylish looks and the cuteness to that and you would have the perfect man. “Would” because Lucio is also a little annoying. Almost all of his lines in the game are loud, he´s always all over the place. And he is so good, and nice and smiley that it gets a little bit on the nerves. We could go on some dates, but, knowing myself, I wouldn´t have the patience to keep that going for too long… I am keeping his number, just in case.
8) Torbjörn
A friend once told me I have a Santa Claus syndrome and Torbjörn might be the confirmation of that. There is the beard, there is the style and I won´t pretend I am not seeing those muscular arms there, because I am — and the guy is almost 60! Speaking of which, the “young Torb” skin is something we can´t ignore, it´s the proof that some man are really like good wines. Dating him would also make me Brigitte´s stepfather and I am totally down for that. He seems to be a little obsessed about weapons and machines, tho. And something tells me he is not the most chivalrous and elegant type… Worth a try!
7 ) Doomfist
Just look at this guy, I mean… he is already a walking reason to take me anywhere he wants. And there lies the danger: I am pretty sure he wouldn´t take me anywhere. Doomfist is exactly the kind of guy that I dream about going out with but who´ll never even reply my message on an app. And if I look at him on a party, he will look to the other side while making a “no” gesture with his finger at my direction. It might be for the best, since the guy he chooses to leave the party with — and who smiles at us sarcastically — might have to face that fist and well… it´s DOOM, bitch.
6 ) Reinhardt
Remember Santa Claus syndrome? It is paired with a condition that makes me drool in the presence of big guys. And Reinhardt is huge. And a daddy. And German, which is where I live. Plus: he likes to eat, which means dates with food. He is noble and good, but also a bit reckless to spice it up (I´m looking at you, Lucio). He looked like someone who drank cheap beer to the sound of Hotel California when he was younger. And he has a big hammer. This date is surely happening, but then I will realize that he is also not the smartest guy out there. In fact, he might even be one of the dumbest and that can take you only so far. Also, I would get a scare everytime he punched the table. Still, lovely. Seems like he´ll turn into something like a friend with benefits.
5 ) McCree
First things first: I would take that cigar out of his mouth. The thing stinks and is really not my kink. That done, it´s pure perfection. He has my name on every bullet. Just come, shoot and say it´s high noon. We will marry and buy a Pomeranian. BUT: the constant carrying of a gun and the “BAMF” (Bad-Ass MotherFucker) buckle are red flags. This guy might be a Trump voter, in which case he´s crossed off from this list. Justice ain´t gonna dispense itself, after all.
4 ) Hanzo
I think Hanzo is the fanciest character in Overwatch. He´s an IT boy. Every one of his looks is instagramable, his style is perfect and he looks like a model. Also, he´s good with his hands. Good enough to use bow and arrow even in a full cybernetic world. I would totally date him. The thing is, I would also hope for him to pay the bill, since I am pretty sure I won´t be able to afford that at the places he usually goes. Also, he seems to be one of those guys who thinks not showing interest is interesting. In that case, no way it could work. But if he turns out to be a good guy, I might even get some new followers when he posts our pics together!
3 ) Soldier 76
Ok, this is an exception to the “faceless guy” rule. First of all, because we can actually see his face, the mask is only a disguise. Second, because, c´mon, look at this guy, it´s like Anderson Cooper and Dallas Steele fused into one. Also, he rocks a bomber jacket even in the battlefield. And he is totally out of the closet. The only thing standing between us and a long term relationship is whether he truly overcame his grief. Because if he did, you can call me Mrs. Morrison and we are all soldiers now, baby.
2 ) Sigma
Don´t be fooled by the whole “lunatic” thing, remember the fact that he was mistreated when captive — for good reasons, one might say. They shaved his beautiful hair and put a straitjacket on him, poor guy. But still: look at this guy´s size. Look at those eyes. Think about the genius he is. He can manipulate gravity! He also understands about classical music, which allows us to go to the opera. He is from the Netherlands, which means edibles. He can defend me from almost anything and hover us out of places with toxic people. Sigma is a complete man and I am not giving him up, no, no. We will have to put some effort on therapy and medications, tho, since asylums in Overwatch´s dystopia probably don´t allow conjugal visits.
1) Baptiste
The thing with Baptiste is: he is just perfect. He can take me out for drinks (and we know he has a soft spot for cocktails), he likes beaches, his laid-back, he has the exact right amounts of bad and good boy and his smile bends my knees. He is also super stylish and social conscious. He is hors concours and there is nothing we can do about it. Actually, that might be Baptiste´s only flaw: he is a video game character. Which means I now have to go back to real life, where the best available guy might be still worse than the last place on this list. Well, I guess I´ll just play one last match…
